ok so its 3am and here i am sitting here alone.
January 26th... according to my plane ticket.. ive been here since January 15th of last year.
Now here I am.. now becoming depressed because i miss my family and friends more than a anything. I only have so many friends here (what 2 including rob?) I don't really have anything to occupy my time except work.. and there i only have so many hours and it takes a half hour to get there.
I don't know I just feel really alone at this point in time.
And bringing up getting married is like.. hmm.. certain things at this point still make me go hmmm
i mean.. ug!! our communication still sucks ass. I always want to talk to him but I cant cuz im always afraid hes gonna flip it around and make me feel bad cuz I cant get it out how it sounds in my head and feels in my heart.
I'm tired of being dissapointed by everyone around me.
im just here.. really.. im not sure if anyone really wants me here.
Sure he says he loves me but does he mean it?
Since ive been here.. we didnt even do anything for the valentines day..
since ive been here.. he hasnt gotten me flowers..
shit jess and jeff havent been together very long and he got her a necklace...
and even tho i shouldnt have an 'item' or anything to show me he cares.. but i mean..
something anything romantic even?? no candle light dinner he planned.. nothing sweet like that at all .. he doesnt even say good night to me .. he usually does when i say it.. but always half ass cuz hes too tired.. and as soon as he lays down he starts snoring..
i want to know why he wont let me in. i still feel theres some sort of wall that hes not letting me across , that he doesnt feel the same way i do about him
how i try my best everyday for him .. i dont know i just feel my feelings are much stronger and im not getting anything back...
and at some point i think am i waisting my time?? i miss my mother, i miss my sister.. i miss brooke and sarah and megz..
i gave up everything for him.. everything...
and i dont wanna feel this way all the time.. i hate it...
and even tho i can type it now.. i know theres no way i can possibly say it to him and have it come out right .. and even now it probably didnt..
but im just so confused..